October 4, 2025, I was with my girlfriend, just got in the jeep, at the back of the shotgun seat, the poor guy(he seems like one), dressed with a short and a tank top,at the side of him is a large bag with a boxes flattened, assuming that is his bed for the night, he is positioned at the back of the driver, sitting like he owns the jeep while eating his nut snack. . At first he asked for food, even though he was eating already, we said “no, we don't have any”. My girl joked with me that he’s already eating, why ask us for food. After a few seconds the jeep stopped for a potential passenger, I was getting coins for the fare and the poor guy asked for money, again, I said no. After that, he got pissed and threw the plastic wrapper of the nuts at us, it just a little piece of plastic. I flinched, my lady threw the wrapper back the the guy who was leaving. And then, the jeep went on its way.
I was just silent on the trip, as usual, I was thinking of ways to “deal” with that interaction, the default go-to is to fight the guy. Yeah, he has a pretty lean physique compared to mine, but for some reason, i want to fight him, i dont care if he has the advantage, i want to fight back. My mind went straight to just breaking his bone and gouging his eyes. I want to make sure he won't do it again without killing him. I know, I'm thinking way too far ahead coming from a guy who has minimal fighting experience and possibly low physical capabilities since i have not been working out for a long time. While still riding the jeep, i would furrow my brows and keep my chin tucked while thinking about the possible outcomes if i did something aside from flinching. My girlfriend would check up on me if something was wrong or was i bothered. I said im fine. And then we had a great night.
After that day, JaxBlade posted a video about controlling your anger. Is this a sign? Hahahhhah. Anyways what he is saying is that make sure that your anger is placed for good intentions. Work out so that you can fight the people who wronged you, and don’t let it out to the innocents. Use the anger for energy and hopefully help others. I completely agree with what he said. To fight with reasonable context is fine, not fighting or at least speaking up can cause for the situation to happen again in the future. We need to be assertive and set boundaries.
Since I am also trying to be more connected to God, I searched online on what would a Christian would act in that scenario, AI said to forgive, deescalate, and pray for the guy. I dont want to do that, I want revenge for something that petty, I want to stoop low in his position, I dont care if he’s poor or homeless, he want to mess up with me, i want to fight back and its not that i’m looking for a fight always, but i think i have the right to respond with force, even though it is forced. I gotta say, being pacifist is hard when challenged, especially if we are attached to this realm, the physical, seen and felt. I want to exercise my right to self-defense even if the attack was the provocation.
Hopefully, me typing this lets out a few heat in myself. My anger boils inside and I want no harm to anyone. I just want to make sure that I am not being treated unfairly and hopefully this is not my way to guise my love for violence. That is all for today, i might work out my body, just in case.